Anna’s journey of extending their family

My journey so far is a long slow process and does not end happyily … like most that wish to continue with their family we expected to at least have one more child by now

I mentioned surrogacy as soon as I was out of general anaesthetic and had been told they had removed my womb. I was distraught. (Monday night)

On the Wednesday morning the doctor I was officially under came round. I mentioned surrogacy to him. He said he would look into it.

Before I left the female doctor came round and I asked about a prosthethis. She said that there wasn’t one. I asked what am I supposed to do about more children. She just looked blankly as if it would be the last question I would ask! She had no information about surrogacy.

I went home and the GP (1) came round. I asked her, she said she would look into it. I asked the Health visitor (1) she said she did not know.

After a few months I was put in touch with a lady from AIMS. They gave me the details of an independent midwife who came round and went though a few of my notes with me. I mentioned about surrogacy and she said about the doctor she knew. She said she would get me the details.

True to her word she rang me with a telephone number. I rang up and the secretary told me that I needed a referral letter. I asked if I could make an appointment and for the referral letter to be sent in-between, yes was the reply so I made an appointment.

In about 4 months since the hysterectomy et al my GP (1) had done nothing, surprise surprise. I went to her and said that I needed a referral letter as I had an appointment. I do not think she was that impressed. About a week before the appointment I rang the private doctors secretary to see if the referral letter had arrived, it had not. I went to see doctor (3) he said that doctor (1) was away and he would deal with it. I rang the private doctors secretary two days before to check it had arrived, it had not, I asked for their fax number. I then rang the surgery and rather strongly said that I needed a referral letter for the following day as I had an appointment etc etc and gave them the fax number, it arrived in time.

I went to see the doctor. Yes they did expect that we could do IVF and host surrogacy. He gave us (I say us I had little one with me) the costs of IVF and what he knew of COTS. He explained that they could not have anything to do with procuring a surrogate. I think I had already had some information from COTS by then I am not sure.

About November or December we went back (with hubby) for the next stage. In following January I had to have a blood test to see if I was ovulating, I was hooray. I then had to have several more blood tests over the next few weeks to get to a certain part of my cycle. As I don’t have periods we did not know what part of my cycle I was in. So we are discriminated against at this point as it cost lots of pennies for several tests to find out.

This particular clinic will only do host surrogacy from frozen embryos, other clinics are happy to do it from fresh.

For a long time I was on the first drug and nothing was happening. They then said that there was a cyst that needed to ?aspirated? They said that the doctor will put a needle in though my vagina and do it. Quite normal. I asked if there was any other way to do it. (If you have read my story you will know how NOT normal that is for me.) It was to give me another injection in my tummy. So I chose that.

Finally I was at the correct part of my cycle and the first drug could start being administered.

This part is only supposed to last a couple of weeks however I was on it for about three months. In the mean time I had to have blood tests (needles in arm and I am a needle phobic) and also transvaginal scans. Due to the state of my vagina those are extremely painful. Sometimes I am crying they are so painful!

They then said that there was a cyst that needed to ?aspirated? They said that the doctor will put a needle in though my vagina and do it. Quite normal. I asked if there was any other way to do it. (If you have read my story you will know how NOT normal that is for me.) It was to give me another injection in my tummy. So I chose that.

I was finally on the second drug. I had the injections in my abdomen (the original drug and this second one) as I tried to use the fact that it doesn’t have complete nerves to my advantage. Sometimes this works, and I feel little and other times its like I am having three needles at once. Strangely enough, I could set up the needles but that was it. My hubby gave the injections to me.

Unfortunately on this drug I had to have blood tests nearly every day. It was awful. My arms were getting SO sore. I really nearly gave up, not even how desperate I was for more children … it was just getting far far too painful. The nurses were using he finest needles that they could and some of them were excellent but … With mixture of fibs from the nurses and goodness knows what I made it though. Lots of times I was in tears with the pain in my arms. I did say to one of the nurses as my arms were in a state, if I get pulled over by the police and they think I am a drug addict you will tell them I am not, wont you? Finally it came to the last injection that is had 36 hours prior to egg retrieval.

Due to what had happened in theatre last time I had made some enquires and found out that I was my legal right to have someone in theatre with me. I said about this. Some of the nurses were understanding others gave me a very hard time. I said it is my legal right why is it such a problem. To cut a long story short they had to change the anaesthetist. I hoped that nothing would go wrong or the doctors would do anything bad, however if I had gone in alone, and they had done something I had said no to, would people and MYSELF say ‘did you not learn anything?’ Would I EVER risk that? NO.

Another of our group had already had an egg retrieval by this point and she said she was really worried about going back into thearte and so they had given her a sedative to relax her. I asked for this as I had no idea how I would react. For me all it did was make me sleepy it did not calm me at all.

I then had to have general anaesthetic (some clinics will do heavy sedation, this one would only do general anaesthetic). I warned the anaesthetist that I was terrible with needles and asked for gas first. The chat with him (my husband was there) we discussed a few things some I remember others I do not as I had had the sedative. One thing I do remember is he said to me ‘you will not remember this conversation afterwards’. That is the part I have SUCH a clear recollection of!

I was taken to theatre. I was given gas. He wanted to try and put the needle in my hand but I was not ready, I know the stage at when the gas is working. I had to turn to my hubby to get them to stop. I am sure that he did not use the gas strong enough, yet again I am sure that this anaesthetist did not believe how much the needle HURTS! It worked on the third attempt. I am sure that it could have been less traumatic.

When I came round I was back in the room. They had collected 14 eggs (the same number as the other person). I was really sleepy. Hubby left me to it. I had that needle in my hand and I asked them to take it out. They said to leave it in incase I needed to go back in. It shows how sleepy I was as I remained calm at this! Whenever I woke I could feel it in my hand, fortunately I went back to sleep but it was awful. When I was awake enough I just had to get rid and so I took it out, I bled and had to call for help. I went home about 3 or 4 pm. Due to circumstances I then had to look after little one. I was just So sleepy, I thought I was alright when I decided to leave the hospital.

We had less than 50% fertilisation rate, even the doctor had expected a little better. I had been insistent about doing surrogacy and egg retrieval as soon as possible. I know the doctors were not believing me but I knew that my menopause had started. The clinic doctor had wanted me to wait awhile. After this result he apologised for suggesting this, I nearly fell on the floor, an apology, from a doctor! He also said that normally they suggest women wait 3 months before undertaking another treatment, in my case he thought I should leave it 6 months.

Unfortunately 6 months later we did not have the finances to continue so we had to wait a year.

The following year off we went again. As said at the last meeting, I knew what I was getting myself into this time! This time it was easier. Still having to pay for three test to get the right part of my cycle but this time I was only on the first drug for about 2 weeks as the way it should have been. Having the second drug was the same but for whatever reason the blood tests which I was completely dreading was not as bad. If my poor little body had toughened up or what I do not know.

Again they had to organise a specific anaesthetist as one refused hubby to be there, again that is not an option for us. Again the doctors performing the retrieval did not have a problem just the anaesthetist. This time I did not have a sedative as it did not relax me at all. A nurse went though a questionnaire with me. I had the intuition that a certain question was coming so I was fortunately ready for it when it came. ‘When was your last period’ I looked at her and said 1997. (Last time I had an orgasm but anyway). She looked at me very puzzled, I said I was GIVEN a hysterectomy.

Again I don’t think that the anaesthetist really believe me about needles. We got in there and one of the anaesthetists said about the consent form. Was I happy with it. Starting to panic. I had filled in the form many moons ago changing lots of the wording. Saying that nothing was to be removed even at the risk of death. As I say learnt my lesson. He said he wasn’t prepared to look for it, So I just said yes.

I had the gas. After a while I felt ready, I had told them it took the other anaesthetist three attempts, he asked where was that , I said ‘here’. He was surprised. I nodded to hubby when the gas had taken about as much effect as it would and he told the doctors, and YOUCH the needle went in. I shot up so much they thought it was going to come out!

This time I awoke in recovery. The previous time I had no knowledge of this what so ever. This is when I as told that less eggs had been retrieved. I had insisted to my hubby that he make sure they take the needle out this time straightaway, and it was. I also found out that even though we thought everyone understood about my husband being there, they tried to shut him out. Ten out of ten to hubby he stood up to the doctors and said ‘that is not what was agreed’. So hubbies out there, protect your wives or partners protect the person you care about! It shows to my how far my hubby had come. He now knew all the lies and knew what was important.

I was more awake this time and so had my lunch at lunch time. Afterwards I fell asleep. Even though I had not had the sedative this time I was not taking any chances, I did not leave until much later and I am sure it was very wise.

This time we had about 50% fertilisation rate.

So where are we now? Well we have not joined COTS as doctor (1) would not fill in their paper work, after saying yes doctor (2) refused. Nor would doctor (3). We have moved house in between and doctors (5 and 6) would not fill in that paperwork or for COTS or the clinic. Have since found out that doctor (5) wont even sign a sick note so he is hardly going to do that.

I am now with doctor (7). We have been though lots and lots. Doctor (7) filled in all the paperwork that we required. Understandably (7) went though ALL of my notes with me before hand and could not understand what all the problems were about. Doctor (7) has been though adoption and so I think understands more than others. (7) directly contacted the clinic and asked for an elaboration of their comments. I will not repeat what (7) said about the clinic doc.

The councillor has also violated their code of ethics, the second one I have heard of doing that in relation to hysterectomised person!

During this journey we discovered about egg sharing. A much reduced cost, therefore more money for surrogacy. Even though it is our right to have our notes under the data protection act, there was a huge battle to obtain them.

Interestingly the councillor that we had to see clinic (2), not only did not appear to like children, I did not feel comfortable, she also put my husband on his guard. He doesn’t normally pick up things that quickly. She asked us direct questions, which we answered, she then wrote something completely different down! HOW do these people get their jobs?

Apparently they are desperate for egg donors. As we already have embryos they will not allow us to proceed. So why did they not say that when they received the paperwork.

A few strange things have been said, but not written down, that imply that possibly secret conversations have gone on illegally between clinics.

We are now four years into the existence (in hell). Even though surrogacy we really expected to have had at least one more child by now. We have a little boy who is desparate for brothers and/or sisters and doesn’t quite understand why he is alone when his friends are not.

The people that are using their power to control us as they do not like us, do NOT care about the pain of an only child.

Even trying to join an agency, just is NOT that easy, let alone working our way though their system.

There are far too many bad doctors out there that are using their power as they do not wish this secret of post pregnancy hysterectomy to come out. My husband and I have been told that by undertaking support work, support group and so on this proves that I am not moving on.

To move on we need the rest of our family. Everyone that I have spoken to about this says, unprompted that what about the parents and ‘Saras Law’. A child called Sara (sp?) was killed by a paedophile. The parents then campaigned for a law to list the paedophiles in the community, I think. Friends and aquaintences have asked would they ever say such a thing to them?

As I point out, if your child has a rare illness, or something traumatic happens you are referred to groups that deal with it. When it comes to post pregnancy hysterectomy YOU are isolated. You are stopped from getting on, trying to put things back on track. You are threatened with the removal of your child or any organs they have graciously permitted you to keep.

If you bow down and kiss their feet, you have a chance. However we tried that at the second clinic …

Second clinc another very long story ....

For 4 1/2 years we have made ourselves open to a surrogate. It can be a very long and unhappy process, or it can be quick and sucessful. After what we had been though the latter was never going to happen to us.

I always felt that we woudl have one of two problems ..... that we woud never find someone that would wish to work with us ... or if we did we would never have the money necesaary .

A surrogate came forward and offered to help us. We knew of most of the cost involved. We looked into it more closely and it woud have been a huge risk, but one we felt we had not choice but to take. We had waited 4 1/2 years for this after all .... they do not grow on trees!!

However it was not to be ...

So yes it was ok of the doctor to say - you still have your ovaries, you can still have children, I dont see him offering to foot the bill!

... we still keep checking the lottary numbers

At least again I have learnt from this, as far as I know, there is no one to help me though the emotions I am going though, we are on our own again.

** Surrogacy infromation, there is now more than one group in this country

* Anna's account
* Anna's questionaire
* Anna's discovery of vaginal damage
* Anna's breastfeeding account

(Home page www.a-little-wish.org.uk)
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For me I find the fact that the hysterectomized are discriminated. We have to have blood tests to find out our cycles, (£'s +) then we need more drugs to stimulate (£'s +) less fertalization rate (£'s +) and then have them frozen so the sucess rate is less (£'s +) and then going though surrogacy, so it feels that the costs are against us always.